Saturday, November 19, 2005

Here eat this, bite sized animals and nude models.

I woke up this morning at 6 am local time to tell yet another person that AJ doesn’t have this number anymore. I’ve had my cell number for about 2 years now and at least once a month I get a call for AJ, they say he’s a handyman and judging by the call volume he’s pretty fucking handy, where ever AJ is he has a loyal following.
I dozed a bit more once I’d explained to AJ’s would be customer that he had the wrong number and in my fleeting early morning sub dreams I told him that AJ was in jail for carnal knowledge of aquatic mammals and that I was in Las Vegas. No wait that wasn’t a dream, I can be surly at 6am. I couldn’t get back to sleep so I ordered coffee and scanned the headlines on my laptop, one from caught my eye. It was about the evolution of venom. Apparently it started about 200 million years ago when and I quote:
"The small, bite-sized animals were starting to exist. Any time there's a new food source you see the emergence of a new predatory trick," Fry told LiveScience. "In this case, venom was the new trick." Odd the scientists name was “Fry” and he’s talking about “bite sized animals” dont you think?
Here eat this. I have consumed 2.25 hotdogs, 1 cheeseburger, 6 chocolate coated ice cream bites, 8 chipotle flavored cashew nuts, 4 jalapeño corn nuts, 2 Slim Jims, endless bite sized pieces of beef jerky, a soy milkshake, enough popcorn to decorate a Christmas tree, 3 liters of Diet Coke and a Crunk. What is a Crunk? It’s Lil John’s new energy drink, what undisclosed location slash beaver dam have you been living in? I can still taste it 4 hours later it tastes like cherry cough syrup. No bloody wonder I can’t lose weight, apparently I’ll eat anything. I’ve also seen 1 Barry Sanders, 2 Penthouse Pets, 2 Playboy Bunnies, 2 porno actresses, a female top fuel drag race champion, a Chinese contortionist and one of the cast of the Sopranos. Colin Powell is around here somewhere, yes for real, the Colin Powell former Head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and Secretary of State he’s giving a speech. I’m hoping not to run in to him because the urge to put him in a headlock and give him noogies until he admits he lied his balls off knowingly to the UN would be overwhelming and with the kind of security he’s probably packing that would not be a good idea. I have no desire to visit Guantanamo. Colin Powell is so hard up he’s schilling for the National Association of Convenience Stores now. I sort of feel bad for him I can’t imagine Madeleine Albright here. Maybe it’s his way of apologizing directly to the Moslem world as he sees it, or maybe he’s looking for Osama who latest CIA intel indicates is hiding in your local 711, who the fuck knows anything is possible, either way it’s just fucking sad, whatever happened to dignity? Oh that’s right we started torturing people for fun and lying about it.
Sex sells, it’s an old adage and not going away anytime soon, there’s enough tits and ass on this show floor to fill the pages of every smut mag and internet porn site for a decade. The one thing that strikes me every time I’m here is just how much the porn industry owes to Adobe Systems for Photoshop. There ought to be some kind of royalty deal for Adobe because believe me ladies and gentlemen there is a HUGE difference between the birds going at it on the page in hand and the bird in the booth. These girls are rode hard and put up wet, if they didn’t have the Healing Brush there wouldn’t be a Penthouse or a Playboy. There would still be Hustler they just don’t give a damn. Let me tell you about Pets and Bunnies the acne is visible beneath a kilo of concealer from 30 paces. The fake tans produce a skin color that could only be considered normal if Earl Scheib was God and they are all much shorter than you would imagine. Next time you see huge boobs and pouty lips think Kai’s Power Goo. I should be enjoying this by the logic of corporate America but I’m not, I just feel numb. I feel like I need to wash my hands every 5 minutes. If you can’t come up with a way to sell things that doesn’t include breast augmentation surgery then just fucking quit now. I’m not a prude and no I’m not gay, I just don’t think this predatory trick works anymore, didn’t we just make a big deal about women’s rights in Afghanistan and the dreaded Bhurka? Is this what we have to offer in exchange? Suicide blonde boob job spray tans? Actually I thought I had seen every excess possible on the show floor until I saw a Chinese girl doing a contortionist routine on top of a Hummer. The booth was selling coffee that has extra caffeine. I’m not sure if they were trying to suggest that drinking this coffee made you speed your balls off so bad it made you tie yourself in knots on the roof of your car or if the guy and believe me it was a guy, who dreamed this stunt up had drunk way too much of the stuff. Either way it saved me a trip to Circus Circus.
So what does the future hold for your convenience store shopping experience? Well here it is; there will be more food that cooks on those rolly things that used to be the sole province of hot dogs, there will be more energy drinks, about 50 by my count, so wake up America because you’ll need the extra energy for that second job at the quickie mart if your kid is ever going to get an education. For those of you that like fruit but don’t want to actually eat the stuff there will be fruit flavored rolling papers, tobacco flavored gum and cigars lots of fruity cigars. Also fruit flavored gum that hides the smell of tobacco. For race fans there will be sun screen that comes in a tube with your favorite Nascar driver’s number on the label just in case all the stickers on your car, posters on your wall, T shirts, towels and beer cozies weren’t enough to demonstrate your loyalty to a guy who’s sole job is to turn left at high speed in a super charged billboard. All the while being paid more per year than you could possibly hope to earn in a lifetime. Lastly the future holds this, Pepto for kids. Yes that’s right a fruit flavored antacid for children. Now I’m not criticizing the fine people at Procter and Gamble for coming up with this stuff, I’m pretty sure they spent a whole lot of money researching whether there was a market for it. But acid indigestion has always been the domain of fat sweaty blue collar guys who eat only red meat and drink only beer. At least that’s what I recall from the ads. I can’t remember once ever having it as a child. I didn’t start eating only red meat and drinking beer until I got my first job and I was at least 14. So if I may make a suggestion, STOP FEEDING YOUR KIDS LIKE PLUMBERS and give them some real damn fruit now and again.


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